"Drinking on an empty stomach again?"
"You betcha."
"You've been here every night for the past few months. You may as well work here."
"Oh please. Give me any job you need me to as long as I get my free drinks and I get paid."
"Slipping behind on the bills?"
I downed another shot feeling my stomach immediately protest. "I've always been behind, but I can't lose the damn house. I spend money on Danielle, alcohol, drugs, Danielle again, and food."
"What about child support?"
"Yeah right. You think Bob will help me out with Danielle? He doesn't even care that she's alive, he ignores the fact that she's his. I didn't impregnate myself, and yet he went around bragging to everyone that he stole my virginity. And he still brings it up around Soda. He's a cunt who only cares about himself."
"Well, everyone knows he's a cunt and you still-"
"I was drunk okay? I was drunk and he took advantage of me. That's all there's to it, and once that happened I thought we had something special. I was young and naive."
Buck looked at me, and sympathetically poured me another shot. "Why do you come here? Y'know Dim-Wit has a bar in his new restaurant."
"You said it right there. Restaurant, that involves eating. I know someone there is going to force me to eat, and I don't want to be in the same room as Jelly. I can't even stand being in the same fucking town as her."
"Well, when was the last time you ate?"
"Does binging count as eating?"
"Uhm sure."
"Then a couple of hours before I came here, but I threw it up. The last time I probably ate was at the clinic or something."
"That ain't good. How much do you weigh now?"
"What's with all of the fucking questions? If you must know I weigh 84."
The number 84 brought a smile on to my face. Losing baby weight is not easy, so I'm pretty proud of myself to reach 84. Well, technically once I lost the weight I was at 77, but I was forced to gain weight at the clinic. But I'm still pretty content with weighing 84 pounds, the more bones visible on your body makes you feel more beautiful. Bold collar bones and bulging rib cages are so lovely to me in this twisted world I seem to live in.
Buck scoffed, and eyed me. "Well, since you're working for me now, you start tomorrow and you better tell me all of the shit that's bothering you."
"I had no fucking clue, you were also a therapist!"
Buck walked away to go flirt with his girlfriend and I sat there. Just staring at that little shot glass in front of me. I already felt my vision getting hazy, but the more I drink means the less nightmares I get to experience. I walked behind the counter nearly losing my balance, and grabbed the bottle of tequila. I poured myself another shot quickly downing all of my sorrows. I lazily reached for the small bag of LSD inside my pocket, and put a small tablet on my mouth immediately feeling the side effects kicking in. After more shots and the grippy side effects of the drug, my knees finally gave out and I laid down on the grimy floor spending the rest of the night there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mommy, aren't you going to eat with me?" Danielle asked, staring me down at the table.
I looked up at her innocent blue eyes, and her curious face that is a spitting image of me when I was younger, and I felt my heart shattering into millions of shards at her simple words.
"Mommy already ate, Princess. How about you hurry up so mommy can go to work?" I said, clearly lying to my own daughter. My own flesh and blood, who's my biggest fan.
"I want to be with you, though."
"Don't worry. Once mommy gets out of school on Friday we'll take you to the park with Aunty Evie and Colton. But right now mommy has to finish studying and go to work."
Danielle pouted and quickly finished up her dinner. I did my usual routine of washing the dishes and spending time with her before I had to walk out the door and drop her off at Evie's. I stared at the small package of PSP trying not to take one. I bit my lip, knowing what happened to Blair and her drug issues and her kids at least have Dally. If I happen to de of a drug overdose or anything stupid or reckless, Danielle will have no one and she's all that I really care about in life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I walked up to the bar counter with no Buck in sight. I sighed and pulled out my calculus textbook from my bag, and started studying for my final.
"Studying on the job?"
"Hey, you weren't here."
"Take those glasses off and put on something pretty. You have tables to serve."
I rolled my eyes, and took off my glasses and put them away. I hid my textbook underneath the counter in case I had extra time in between or on my break or whatever. I walked to the bathroom with my outfit in hand, just keeping Danielle in mind because this is all for her. Being a greaser isn't easy to begin with, you're poor as fuck and when you have a kid you realize how much money you possibly need to raise one.
I walked out of the stall in a trashy outfit knowing I'll gain more tips. I cautiously lifted my shirt up examining my shrinking stomach. The whole outline of my rib cage is very much visible, and to keep this weight I've been back to my bulimic ways, but somewhere deep inside my head is telling me to lose more. Lose, lose, lose. Quit eating for good, and then every single bone in my body will be visible and I'll look absolutely lovely for once.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I groaned as Buck handed me another serving tray full of shots. It's easy to drink alcohol, but when you have to serve and not drink any, that's the hard part. I teetered over to the rowdy table setting the shots down, and greedily accepted the $40 tip they all graciously handed me.
When the night was over and the tables were semi-empty, I sat down counting up all of my tips and kicking off my high heels. I rubbed my feet and laid down across the table. Buck walked over to me and stared at me with those dark eyes of his.
"Do you want to talk about your problems now?"
"I don't have any fucking problems."
"Yeah ri-"
"Can we please talk about this another time?"
Buck nodded and wiped off all of the counters. I stole the bottle of vodka behind the counter and started gulping the burning liquid down. I wiped my mouth, and everything started becoming slightly blurry.
All I remember is having yet another one night stand with some guy who called me "Mandy" the whole night. When I was pregnant I thought I have reached rock bottom, but I'm plummeting below rock bottom. I'm so far below I can't get out of this mess. The same routine has been driving me insane and I can't help but slowly start listening to that voice inside of my head that keeps on whispering for me to just "lose, lose, lose." I don't know what the fuck it may be, but it could just be the alcohol talking.
