I remember being that perfect high school cheerleader that everyone envied. It seems like one day you're perfectly fine, then the next you just snap. The first time I snapped seems like ages ago, but the horrific memory is still burned into my brain, and it caused an ugly illness, addiction, etc. If I had a time machine I would go back and convince myself I'm beautiful, but why would I lie? I convince people I'm perfectly fine, no one believed me. People thought I would get better once I got pregnant for the first time, but it just got worse. I put on that plaster smile to convince everyone that I'm sane, but at the end of the day I find myself putting Danielle to bed, binging and not even caring what goes into my body. Then, purging until there's nothing left in me then wash it down with some Tequila Blanco to get the acid taste out of my mouth. I pop some LSD in, Ectasy, a few strange perscriptions, a few joints before bed and then pass out. But, no worries I eventually wake up a few hours sometimes even minutes later dripping in sweat as pale as a ghost traumatized from the endless nightmares. I curl up in bed, but the "dark cloud" has taken over my life. There's countless nights of me screaming from the nightmares, and Danielle running into my bed comforting me. I'm sick and tired of being in a deep dark depression, I want to "cure" myself from that. But, when it comes to my eating disorder there are times where I don't want to stop, there's that voice in the back of my head telling me to keep losing weight until there's nothing else to lose. Maybe that's why I'm now trapped in a rehab with Kitty.
"You're late." "I don't give a fuck." "Why are you so tardy Miss. Davis?" "I had to drop Danielle off at Evie's. Visit the high school and say I'm still not returning just yet, I had to say goodbye to Danielle. And, I just didn't really want to let go of her when I said goodbye." "You'll be back in no time." "When? Huh? Tell me. When, will I come home?" Kitty shrugged her shoulders and faked a phone call. I groaned placing my head in my hands. "Cheer up, old' chap." I tapped my foot nervously, until they called us up. They made us hand our cellphones, razors, pens, pencils, anything sharp and no communication or technology whatsoever. I rolled my eyes, "It'll be good for us." I mocked her, until I found her towering over me to get me to shut the hell up. We got our bags and followed the nurse into our room, the moment I walked into this shit hole I knew it would not be pretty. We reached our new "home" as you might as well call it. A small room with no windows, bright yellow walls, two twin size beds with railings on the sides as if they were cribs. I took a deep breath trying to keep myself from screaming, but then I'll be locked here even longer because everyone will think that I'm a lunatic. Not that I'm not already one, I sat down on one of the beds and bit my lip looking for a window to look out of. "I will be right back with clothes for you guys." "We already have clothes-" "You have to be granted to wear them, so until you have permission you have to wear the hospital clothing." The nurse walked out of the room and I punched the wall leaving the slightest indent in the plaster wall. Kitty stared at her feet, not making any eye contact with me. The nurse came back with flannel bright yellow and orange pajamas. This will be a long time.
"KitKat? Sandra? It's time for lunch." "I'm not-" "Now." We made our way to the cafeteria, and sat down at the table. "We already had breakfast AND a snack. Now lunch?" I stared at my unappetizing plate of "food". "I need to see Danielle." "You just got here." "Yeah, yeah, yeah." The rest of the meal was silent nothing, but the sounds of our forks moving food around on our plates making look like we ate somewhat. When they led us back to our room there was honestly nothing for us to do except to nap. Kitty fell asleep, and for 2 hours I stared at the bright yellow walls thinking of a plan to escape. I dug through my duffle bag and pulled out a picture of Danielle and I. It was from her princess themed third birthday party. Yet, another event I put on a brace face for the sake of Danielle. There are times I often wonder what my life would be like if I never cheated on Soda, never gotten pregnant, Danielle wouldn't even exist. I would still be that "innocent" sweet troubled girl everyone made me out to be. I put the picture on my night stand. I got another picture out, and it was of the gang no more than 5 years ago. When everything was simple and we still had our youth. From the picture I looked no more than 15. It looked like right after my "troubled" phase and Jelly and I were grinning back to back. Soda had Kitty on his shoulders and Kitty looked about 13 or 14. I miss my youth the carefree times of not giving a damn about anything. My youth stopped the moment I got pregnant, I took another glance at the picture it was about 2 or 3 weeks before Jelly and Soda's breakup. The breakup that clued me in on his feelings for me, and the breakup that ruined a friendship. I put the picture down and stared at the ceiling. I shut my eyes and counted to 3 hoping that I could wake up and I'll be in my own bed. 1, 2, 3. Nothing, nada, rien, nichts. I put my head in my pillow and let out a muffled scream. I spent the rest of our free time sobbing quietly clutching the picture of Danielle to my chest.
"How did therapy go?" "Fine, how 'bout you?" Kitty smiled at me "Did she ask you about how you started?" I nodded and let out a defeated sigh, "I told her everything." "So do me just one favor." "Yeah?" "Can you please tell me? I'll tell you mine." I inhaled and nervously chewed on a piece of blonde hair, "I'm tired. Maybe some other time, I promise." I crawled into bed. Later that night, I found myself screaming into my pillow having the same reoccurring nightmare. Kitty was alarmed, and I found her wrapping her arms around me in a nurturing way. How I usually comfort Danielle when she falls or sees something scary. "Shh, it's okay. It was jut a dream." Yeah the dream I'm unfortunately living. "Sandy, please you need to talk about it." I gulped and told her my fucked up problem leaving her wide eyed and with her jaw open.
2 comments:
I know it's hard now Sandy, but remember that you need to get healthy in order to take proper care of Danielle. As long as you keep her in your mind you'll have you little girl back in your arms in no time :) <3
Danielle needs you I need you to get better and to realize how special you are to all of us can you not see the mark you have left how you've made us all better people now it's our turn to teach you to love yourself again.
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